MAGAZINES 
Raising kids to be less vulnerable to sexual predators
By Shannon Burgert
Statistics concerning child sexual abuse are frightening. One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18. Seventy percent of the time, the child doesn’t tell anyone directly.
Parents tend to be good at making their kids wary of strangers, but strangers make up less than 10 percent of sex offenders. “More than 90 percent of the time an abuser is someone a child knows. It’s someone who has regular access to the child in a trusting or caregiving relationship,” says Victoria Strong, executive director of Front Range Center for Assault Prevention (CAP).
Fortunately, local advocates like Strong say child sex abuse is preventable. Strong takes the CAP program into schools to educate teachers, children and parents about how to prevent bullying, stranger abduction and sexual assault.
Unfortunately, thinking about the possibility of abuse is so disconcerting for many parents that they don’t learn how to prevent it. Jen, a Boulder parent, says, “It’s really one of those things you just don’t want to think about.” But when her daughter was 4 years old, Jen signed up for a Parenting Safe Children workshop with Feather Berkower, coauthor of Off Limits: A Parent’s Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse. Jen has taken Berkower’s four-hour training several times now, and says that each time, she feels more empowered.
raising safe children
Who is vulnerable to sexual assault? The short answer: all children. But the kids who are most at risk are children who are not taught body safety, whose parents don’t spend a lot of time with them, who lack confidence or love, and who are expected to obey authority unconditionally.
Keeping your kids away from the “dirty old man” stereotype is playing into a societal misconception—and it leaves large gaps. While approximately 96 percent of offenders are male, up to 50 percent are juveniles. Of the rest, many are married with children.
Berkower says that parents need to filter every person who spends time with their children. Interview caregivers thoroughly, and talk about body safety. Those conversations may be uncomfortable, particularly with relatives and play-date parents, but Berkower asks, “If it’s uncomfortable for you to talk about this, how uncomfortable do you think it is for your kid to live it?” Make the conversation a positive one, she suggests, by inviting caregivers onto your prevention team. “When we talk about sexual abuse, we take the access away from abusers,” says Berkower. The same principles that minimize the risk of sex abuse will help children develop the self-awareness and confidence to prevent other forms of abuse, like bullying.
no secrets
There are two key concepts to teach and model for children. First, there should be a no-secrets policy in the home. “Sex abuse almost always comes with needing to keep a secret,” Strong says. When a perpetrator grooms a child for sex abuse—which tends to be a long process—it starts with keeping small secrets and making a child feel special. “Kisses and touches should never have to be kept secret,” says Strong, and they should always be choices. She adds that “surprises” are OK—like Mom’s birthday present.
body safety
Another critical concept to teach and model for children is body safety. Children should feel that they are in charge of their own bodies. Give them the language they need, such as “I’m the boss of my body.” Modeling this starts with infants and toddlers. If a child does not want to be held by someone or doesn’t want to give a relative a kiss, that should be his or her choice. Parents can model this by always asking for hugs and kisses goodnight, for instance, to show even small children that they are in charge of their own bodies. Teach children that it’s OK to say no when it comes to their own bodies—and that goes for the entire body, not just private parts. (Talk about appropriate times for an adult to touch them, such as at the doctor’s office when a caregiver is with them, or when a parent is helping them clean themselves.) Conversations about body safety change as children grow into teens, but they remain important.
“Parents try to keep their children safe by controlling all the circumstances,” Jen says. But truly protecting children requires letting go, giving children ownership of their own bodies, she explains. Having an adult—even a loving parent—in charge perpetuates the notion for children that they are not in control of what happens to them.
“What if” games are a great way to talk with children and teens about safety issues, from body safety to Internet use to alcohol, as kids get older. Ask your child, for instance, “What if a babysitter allows you to stay up late and asks you to keep it a secret? What do you do?” or “What if an older cousin wants to watch you take a shower? What do you do?”
Advocates emphasize that children should be taught the correct names of their private body parts. Strong notes that some parents hesitate to talk about body safety or body part names because it seems sexual in nature. But in her opinion, “it has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with boundaries and choices.”
“It’s so important for parents to learn about stages of sexual development,” says Berkower. “When the age is incongruent with the behavior, that’s a red flag.” Knowing age-appropriate sexual behavior helps adults respond appropriately when something comes up. For instance, if you walk in on your 5-year-old and her playmate who’ve taken off their clothing, it’s likely age-appropriate exploration. Have the children dress, and calmly talk about why it’s important to keep clothes on while playing.
active listening
Another critical element in protecting your children is to let them know that you will always listen. Berkower points out that children won’t typically be direct in disclosing abuse. It might start with a statement such as, “I don’t want to visit Uncle Dan,” or a question: “When are we going to have that babysitter again?” Make sure you listen and understand why your child has broached the subject. Respond by simply asking, “Why?” Also ensure that your child has a way out if a sleepover or play date becomes uncomfortable; they shouldn’t need to explain their reasoning over the phone. Berkower and Strong encourage parents to trust their intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention.
Be present and active in every part of your child’s life. It doesn’t mean that you need to be at every soccer practice and game, but it does mean that you introduce yourself to the coaches and show that you’re an engaged parent. Berkower quotes one sex offender: “I had no interest in kids who were close to their mothers.” Berkower notes that numerous interviews with perpetrators have revealed this principle consistently—a child who has a close relationship with his or her parents is “off limits” to sex abuse.
Tommy Feldman, founder and director of Altogether Outdoors, a summer camp program in Boulder and Denver, says he can tell which families have had body-safety and no-secrets conversations with their kids. The kids are more confident, he says, and even from a young age, they don’t keep secrets. Feldman says he pays close attention in his hiring so that he can feel confident about his staff, asking thorough questions and talking about child-abuse scenarios. “We make the applicants aware that we’re paying attention,” he says.
If a child discloses that he or she has been abused, believe them and stay calm. Tell them you’re glad they came to you, that it’s not their fault and that you’re going to help. Refrain from conducting your own investigation—that could backfire should a case go to court.
One local resource for young sex-abuse victims is Boulder’s Blue Sky Bridge, which offers support services and a child-friendly environment for interviews. Judy Toran Cousin, its executive director, explains that the organization also helps families find appropriate counseling and develop safety plans.
It’s not enough to have a prevention program come to your child’s school, advocates say. Cousin recommends that body-safety discussions be woven into conversations routinely. She says, “How often do you remind your child to wear a helmet while biking? It needs to be a regular discussion.” u
Shannon Burgert teaches third grade in Louisville. She is a former volunteer sex assault counselor.
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